passdream

As usual I've been pondering the idea of changing the world. What can be done to eliminate the common hurtful happens of humanity? I don't think even the people closest to me realize the amount of research I've committed to this subject.

Fighting, empathy, war, community, etc are NORMAL HUMAN BEHAVIORS. They WILL NOT CHANGE. Our closest animal relatives also share them. The tendency towards violence is as equally engrained in our DNA empathy. There's nothing that's going to stop it.

As an individual, you can experiment with which emotions you prefer. Does pounding another person's face give you a rush? Do you dream of saving other people by killing others? We have a place for you. Also, if you prefer to throw yourself into the traumatizing world of caring for all of the world's injuries, there's plenty of room for you to. Neither tendency is going to disappear at any point in the history of the human species.

Raping children is also a behavior that's never going to disappear. Neither is brutal murder, addiction, or any other cruelty you can think of. However, there are also always going to be amazingly empathetic individuals to pick up the pieces.

Holding the power in your hands is the only way you will be able to influence change.

So I guess the question is- what is the best way to go about achieving power?

It's nearly one in the morning. I'm still sick and trying to figure out how to summarize the person I've turned into during my lj silence.

Nowdays I feel so mentally wrapped up that I talk less than I used to, and not about the same deep topics I used to love. Maybe I should just make a list of the things I've experienced:

1. Two people very close to me have been nearly killed by another person.
2. I have had the privilage of working as a counselor for 2 years. I have watched people try to kill themselves, slice various parts of their bodies open with razors, loose control mentally for so long that by the time they come-to they have been trapped in a wooden room for hours in their own urine, feces, and vomite, seen 14 year olds under the influence of every drug out there, listened to a young girl tell how a man tried to rape her in the ass, and watched two girls less than 18 become homeless because the system failed them.
3. I have seen people get better.
4. I have left a relationship of 4 years.
5. I slept with a married man without knowing his status at the time.
6. I've gained weight.
7. I have a 401K in my name.
8. I live on Capitol Hill.
9. I've slept with a woman.
10. I've hooked up with someone at a bar, snuck onto a roof-top with them, snuck into a hot-tub, and of course been to the Dicks on Capitol Hill at two in the morning when it's the only place open and resembles a tranny carnival.
11. I've discovered I like trannies.
12. I've completed two years of college.
13. I've lived peacefully with a female room mate for over 6 months. That's the longest I've ever enjoyed living with someone.
14. I have enough clothes to last a week without washing for the first time in my life.
15. I have learned that it's much better to make friends first and make out second if at all.
16. I have learned a lot about the non-profit organization system and experimented with my own therapy-related horse projects. One is happening right now.
17. I spend the majority of my reading time buried in eastern religion, am memorizing taoist text, and LOVE yoga.
18. I have had a close friend that I had a major crush on get married to her ex-boyfriend.
19. I volunteered at a horse rescue all summer, learned how to skin a sheep, and went on a trail ride with a REAL 60 year old pioneer cowboy from Canada. We drank rum together on a log by a river and watched the sun go down over the trees.
20. I am in debt.

I just started belly dancing and it's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do in my life. I took my third class tonight and my hips feel all stretched while my back is sore. The egyptian style that I'm learning requires nearly complete relaxation through the mid-section while you use the swing of your hips caused by your legs and chest to sway in the correct manner. It's fun, beautiful, and not as physically demanding as some of the things I've done. But it takes so much will to let go and let your body flow.

"You are so tired through and through because a good half of what you do here in this organization has nothing to do with your true powers, or the places you have reached in your life. You are only half here, and half here will kill you after a while. You need something to which you can give your full powers. You know what that is; I don't have to tell you."

"You are like Rilke's Swan in his awkward waddling across the ground; the swan doesn't cure his awkwardness by beating himself on the back, by moving faster, or by trying to organize himself better. He does it by moving toward the elemental water, where he belongs. It is the simple contact with the water that gives him grace and presence. You only have to touch the elemental waters in your own life, and it will transform everything. But you have to let yourself down to those waters from the ground on which you stand, and that can be hard. Particularly if you think you might drown."

-David Whyte

I've done 114 out of these 150 things
Have you ever...

Level 1
( )smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
(x) done drugs (not including alcohol)
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) drank alcohol

TOTAL: 3

Level 2
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
(x) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight

SO FAR: 7

Level 3
(x) snuck out of a parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
(x) gone out on a blind date

SO FAR: 11

Level 4
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
(x) seen someone/something die

SO FAR : 15

Level 5
(x) had/have a crush on one of ur MYSPACE friends
(x) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
(x) thrown up from drinking

SO FAR: 19

Level 6
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been skiing
(x) met someone BECAUSE of myspace
(x) been mosh pitting

SO FAR: 22

Level 7
( ) been in an abusive relationship
( ) taken pain killers
(x) love someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel

SO FAR: 25

Level 8
(x)had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up

SO FAR: 30

Level 9
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school

So FAR: 35

Level 10
( ) used a fake ID
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake

SO FAR: 38

Level 11
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed/vandalized
( ) robbed someone
(x) been misunderstood
( ) pet a reindeer

SO FAR: 41

Level 12
(x) won a contest
( ) been suspended from school
(x) had detention
(x) been in a car/motorcycle accident

SO FAR: 44

Level 13
( ) had/have braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 47

Level 14
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes

SO FAR: 51

Level 15
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like you were dying

SO FAR: 56


Level 16
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sang karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins

SO FAR: 61

Level 17
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) kissed in the rain

SO FAR: 66

Level 18
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care/cared about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach

SO FAR: 71

Level 19
(x) crashed a party
( ) have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(x) gone rollerskating/blading
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey

SO FAR: 74

Level 20
( ) worn pearls
(x) jumped off a bridge
( ) screamed "penis" in class
(x) ate dog food
(x) told a complete stranger you loved them

SO FAR: 77

Level 21
(x) sang in the shower
(x) have/had a little black dress
( ) had sex on the beach
(x) had sex in a park
(x) had sex in a car
( ) had sex in your parents room

SO FAR: 81

Level 22
(x) got your tongue stuck to a pole/freezer
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes
(x) Sat on a roof top

SO FAR: 84

Level 23
(x) had sex at a church
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night

SO FAR: 89

Level 24
( )didnt take a shower for a week
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had/been in a tree house
(x)scared to watch scary movies

SO FAR: 93

Level 25
(x) believed/belive in ghosts
( ) have more than 30 pairs of shoes
(x) gone streaking
( ) been in jail

SO FAR: 95

Level 26
( ) played chicken
(x) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused

SO FAR: 99

Level 27
(x) caught a fish then ate it
( ) made a porn video
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed

SO FAR: 103

Level 28
(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked
(x) French braided someones hair
( ) gone skinny dippin in a pool
( ) been kicked out of your house

SO FAR: 109

Level 30
(x) Rode a roller coaster
(x) went scuba-diving/snorkeling
( ) had a cavity
( ) Black-mailed someone
( ) been black mailed

SO FAR: 111

Level 31
(x) Been used
(x) fell going up the stairs
( ) licked a cat
(x) bitten someone

SO FAR: 114

Re-Post With I've Done _ Out Of 150 Things

I called into work today around 1pm to find out what time I was supposed to come in. The first thing my co-worker said was "Mmmm...we have this new girl. She's a nut....hold on...she's smashing the office window with a chair....what? You want to know what time you come in...uh, hold on....................................(insert 5 minute hold)...........hello? Who's this? I'm sorry, I think you come in at 4pm....uh Hannah, I'm gonna have to go....uh...bye."

I come in a 4pm to the ENTIRE staff crammed into the front office, including both house managers at the same time. It's like a family reunion brought about by the death/insanity of a relative.

"So here's the plan." Starts the main manager. "What have you guys been told about cutting? Okay, this one cuts, and she's serious. It's been a while since we've had one like this. Basically, you ignore it, unless she's cutting open her neck. If it's really deep, ignore it. Don't treat it or touch it yourself. She wants attention. You'll see her laughing and slicing her arm open with peices of glass. And don't give her lead. She has a huge thing for it. What I do is give her the antiseptic and swabs and have her treat it herself. If she's strangling herself, only intervien when it's absolutely harmful. If she hasn't been breathing for more than a minute and a half. Has anyone showed you guys the suicide kit? Have you seen the blade for cutting away strings?"

The staff dispurses in a million directions, with a hundred conversations happening at once. The co-worker who talked to me on the phone briefs me about the day shift alone, because everyone else is busy. Halfway through, the new girl comes out of her room. I'm struck by her. She's a head taller than me and shapely but dumpy. She has golden brown skin and the wildest frow of hair I've ever seen. Her shoulders slouch, and her clothes hang loosely on her shoulders and hips.

I can't tell for sure, but it looks like she's grinning. She knocks on the door several times, and is clearly fixated on my co-worker. After three attempts at attention, she announces to a responding staff "I broke my glass window out."

"That's nice. We'll talk about it after quiet time."

Several minutes later she drags a window pane as big as me out of her room and starts smashing it against the office window. My co-worker and I continue our conversation. The glass breaks, and the house mananger recruits several staff to go clean it up. I grab this opportunity to talk to the girl.

"Hi, my name is Hannah. I can talk to you any time you want if you come up and ask in an appropriate manner. Otherwise, I can't give you much attention." A little while later, she goes into her room. I present the idea to the other staff that that would be a good opportunity to give her some positive attention. They agree, so I knock on her door and spend 5 minutes talking with her.

The truth is, this girl has a weird quality that I love. There is something about her insanity, the way she grows hyper and runs around laughing while she destroys herself and property that is so completely different from any other human I've ever encountered that I want to know it. I spent the whole night with her. Every time we ran across hard news, and difficult decisions, she listened to positive ideas and followed through. Doing the right thing when encouraged is not her problem.

But when she's alone, the things this girls comes up with to cope blow my mind. Thank god she doesn't have an assultive history.

Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti

I just got back in touch with all the girls I cared about from the pony barn. They're doing so well, and are the best of the best in every respect. No where else will you find more profiles to the effect of "I love everything outdoors, sportsy, horses, god, I hate TV, have read a million books, and just got accepted into a ginormous university". Wow. These are the people who truly shaped me. Looking back, I am one of them. I have their humur, passion, adventurous spirit, silly nature, joy of life, and love.

I grew and loved. I worked my ass off. I poured what I had left from my already-tough-life into it. I am loved in return.

I just won two dollars for the stupidest bet ever: that I could sneak a huge salad into the movie theater for X-man 3. I ended up having to collect in quarters because not only did I stick it to the man with my "I'm not going to buy any of your expensive-ass popcorn" trick, I also stuck it to my jacket with a bunch of dressing and now I need to wash.

Regardless, X-Man 3 was still pretty dazzling. I am going to make a bet that they'll make another one, though. Aaron and I discussed it in the car:

Me: They shouldn't have a fourth one when they name the third one "X-Men the last stand."

Stewie: That's why they'll probably name the fourth one "X-men A New Beginning".

And you know they will.

The influences surrounding me keep prodding me towards the direction of a woodsy, art creating summer where I don't give a fuck how late I stay up or what kind of a job I do at work. Unless I violate some major boundaries, they're too hard up for people to fire me anyway (unless I don't show up. And there has been a girl who shows up a couple hours late each night and she doesn't get fired.)

I just completely blanked out on the last two problems of my mid-term. She only spent two days going over one of the concepts, which I think I eventually figured out again at the last moment, and I'm not even sure she covered the last one. Plus, as always, by spanish teacher is an asshole. I try and I try to get it the way he wants it, and he's always just like "Oh, you see this title, make it about the paper." Me "It is about the paper. The paper is about the culture of Costa Rica hence. La Cultura de Costa Rica." And he's like, what is your presentation about?" "Gallo Pinto" "Then that's the title." "BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THE FUCKING PAPER IS ABOUT! I SPENT ONE AND A HALF PAGES ON GALLO PINTO AND TWO PAGES ON THE GEOGRAPHY AND HISTORY UNRELATED TO GALLO PINTO, AND ONLY HAVING TO DO WITH COSTA RICA!!!"

I hate him.

I hate school and my horrible time management. Overall, I want to kill something.

I'm going to go work on my painting.